Dear Future Me

Dear future me,

I'm writing you this to tell you how much you've grown. I'm going to tell you what you've been doing all these while with the people who hurt you, emotionally. Dear future me, please learn from the past and not live in it, please move on. I'm writing you this to let you know you're doing good, finally. Yes, finally. It has been nearly 10 months, of you being alone, not having someone to take care of you, physically and mentally. To be honest, now, you are very lonely, very lonely but you never blame anyone but yourself for being selfish. You didn't want to accept anyone in because you knew from the day you started something beautiful, you knew, deep down inside, it's going to end. And you didn't want it to happen. Dear future me, let me tell you something, it's not that you didn't want it. But because every time you tried to accept someone in, they shut you out. It's not your fault. Don't worry. Be patient. You are still very young. You will wait. You will eventually meet the right person okay? Don't dwell in the past where it makes you think nonsense. Dear future me, I'm writing you this because i want you to know how strong you are now that you've been being strong alone. Being alone isn't easy for you. You used to have people around you all the time, being there for you.

I'm writing you this because i know one day, he will appear. Yes future me, he will. I believe that one day, there will be one guy who loves me just the way i am. And i'm sure he can accept all my flaws and imperfections.

You just posted a stupid video on instagram and people saying you're crazy and you need help. Let me tell you this, you did all of that not because you are crazy or you're bored or you've nothing better to do, it's just an excuse, you did all that because you need to do things to let him off your mind. Only you yourself can judge you, nobody can because they only recognise the Elaine that you decide to show them, the social identity, not the real you. You know so well the reason why you are you now. Nobody knows how depressed you are, nobody knows about you so well besides you. Please dear future me, understands yourself more.

You were all alone, all by yourself but somehow you tried to be happy.

About losing weight.
Dear Future me, are you still trying to lose weight? You've been trying to lose weight since 21/3/14. It has been nearly 4 months and you see no progress. You've tried binge and purge. You've tried all sorts of things. You've tried laxatives for few days. Misusing laxatives isn't an easy thing. All sorts of sacrifices you made, just to lose weights. Nobody knows how much you've sacrificed. Nobody understands. You were all alone, just like living in a container where you were all by yourself. You've tried exercising, excessively. You've tried a lot of things but nothing works. Maybe, just maybe, you are such a useless freak where such an easy task, losing weights, you can't even complete it. Urgh.

But you've to thank him for helping you so much. During May and June, you've him. Had. Past tense. To be honest, you didn't even know what's going on between you two. He just shut you out, again and again and again. But before he left, he was being very supportive. He tried to be supportive, at least. Always, always say that you're fat. Maybe this was his way of supporting you. Of pushing you harder into losing weights. But somehow, it worked. You really miss him saying "Elaine stop eating, you're fat", "Elaine, don't eat that burger, you'll regret", "Elaine i let you have one bite, the rest i'll eat", "Elaine we share your plate ok?", "Elaine go drink water, don't eat", "Elaine go jog", "Elaine why you so fat" "Elaine………"
Thanks for everything, X.

Do you remember this sentence; "Elaine I think I like you"
If you still do, let me tell you, please go and call him now, tell him how much you've missed him. Don't do things you're going to regret. Let go of the past and move on.

xoxo