It's all about how well she masks herself

In case you're wondering... I'm not happy. I don't smile from within my heart anymore. To be honest, I've tried. I always wanted to be happy. I want to, still, of course but I can't be happy with myself. I feel bad. Err It's not easy to explain myself but let me try.

I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to "tuck in" my stomach whenever I look into the mirror.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to squeeze my face, my thighs, my arms every single time I shower.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to lie about my weight.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can wear sleeveless without feeling like a giant.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to feel bad even though I only had a plate of veggies.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can eat one whole dish of whatever food without facing the toilet bowl after that.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can go out of the house without feeling extremely fat.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to lie about what I eat.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can look at food the same way I look at them when I was a kid.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can wear anything without having second thoughts about how I look in them.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't care what other people think about how huge I have become.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that nothing will ever change the way I feel about myself.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I want to stop thinking that starving is the best choice.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to "sigh" whenever I look into the mirror.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to count calories anymore.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to download apps such as TwoGrand or IF diet.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to snap pictures of the food I consume.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to keep a food diary.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to stop eating after 6pm.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to diet anymore.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can feel confident about myself again.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to cry to sleep at nights when I couldn't fall asleep.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to argue with anyone because of my stubbornness.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I'm not going to harm myself.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can convince myself that I'm in a healthy range.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that weight is not an issue.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I don't have to exercise for weight loss but for healthy lifestyle purposes.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can actually cook food with olive oil.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can actually eat avocado once in a while.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can actually eat eggs.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I look fine in this body.
I want to be so comfortable with myself that I can look at myself and feel alright about it.

I want to be so comfortable with myself that..........

You know what. I don't! I don't feel comfortable with myself at all. I seriously don't. Typing this, I feel extremely terrible. I feel as if my world is trembling down crushing every part of my body. I feel as if I don't belong to this body anymore.

"Elaine used to be the one who gave no fucks. What happened to you?" I myself wanted to know too...

One whole year. One freaking year. On and off, on and off. March already huh. Last year this time, I met Bulimia. I call it, Mia. It never left. I thought it did, but it didn't.

The fear of going out. The fear of meeting people. The fear of getting comments. The fear of eating. The fear of even drinking juices. The fear of weighing scale. The fear of food.

It all started with "whao you fat already leh"

So let me tell you, If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I don't see why people just couldn't do that. Just shut up will you? thanks.

Anyways sorry I failed big time.