I finally did it!

Honestly, if I were to be frank with you, I would have blogged every single day to let you know what I have been doing the whole day, which was what I never intended to do because one, I am a total bullshit as a human kind, two, I hated the fact that I hate myself. But on top of all of that, knowing that these will go public, I never did it anyways. Judge all you want man. Pft. Some of you, matter of fact, majority of you thinks that I am either a dumbfuck or plain moron for doing whatever I'm doing to myself. But as the saying goes, Never judge the book by its cover. You'll never ever-ever-ever know what I've been through.

I finally did it!

Back in 2013 when I first came to KL, everything started to change - for the worse I can say. Let me tell you my life story alright? You may now sit back and relax, and enjoy this. I was so confident in myself, of how i looked. Never have I thought that all these would have happened to me, for reals. I would have never imagined myself being in this state, a bulimic.

I remember reading and studying about eating disorders during Biology. Back in high school, calories have never even crossed my mind. I remember studying about measuring calories in food for Biology. The box, the fire, the nuts, the apparatus, the whatever-that-has-to-do-with measuring calories. I forgot everything about it. Don't ever tell me I know nothing about what I am going through because I know exactly what I am putting myself into. I freaking studied about it man.

Okay back to the point. Yes. I remember joining Fitness First. They wanted to know my weight, so I weighed myself. And guess what, I'm still keeping the paper - TANITA BODY COMPOSITION ANALYSER. I weighed 42.9kg back in 13NOV2013.

Then I joined the gym. You'll obviously think that "what's with a 42.9kg girl going to a gym?", yeah me either. I didn't know what I was doing. 4 months gym membership so yeah I joined it. The second time I weighed myself - it's free okay and you'll get the whole body composition so why not - and i see an increase in numbers. I wasn't skeptical about it though UNTIL I went home. My mom told me I gained weight, not only her alone, I remember the second person I bumped into, she told me the same thing, then the next and next and next and until it got into my head that yeah Elaine you're fat.

What makes you think that you should tell me straight into my face that I gained weight? Why can't you guys just leave me alone... Let's be honest here, telling me that I gained weight and then tell me that it looks better on me won't make my insecurities go away okay? Just fyi.

Then I got so fucked up I felt so bad for eating. I never for once felt good about myself, about how I looked, about going out and meeting people - cause I hate getting comments on how I've gained so much of weight.

43.5kg

45.6kg

44.8kg

48.9kg

46.9kg

45.8kg

49.4kg

47.7kg

Never even once it dropped to 42.9kg. I was so obsessed with losing them off, I started forcing myself to puke. And I know it wasn't even the right thing to do. My eyes got swollen right after, nose started to get blocked, face gone red af, cheeks were so puffy and my throat, it seemed like as if I didn't drink water for a thousand years. But I still eat. I still eat chickens, fishes, eggs, and all kind of desserts and sugary sweet stuff.

46.9kg

This year, it hit me hard. I lost myself in the middle of this battle. I came to realise that I have to stop eating for good. Just another fyi, I'm a vegetarian now and I cut out all oily food and I also say-no-to-eggs, milk and bread. It was an on-off thing between starving myself for four days and eating good food for two - by means good, i mean fruits. I'm not sure who I am anymore. I wasn't happy at all. I couldn't fake myself to smile anymore. It's not easy. It's really not.

Being at home makes it even harder for me. I needed to take a break from home, thats why I'm always here in KL, all alone. Back in Ipoh, I had to eat and then I had to puke. Eats 5 times, pukes 5 times. Food never really settles inside my stomach. I couldn't make myself stop. "BULLSHIT ELAINE"-scold all you want, you can never change me. It's not easy.

I restricted my food intake so much that it has now gone down to 300 calories a day. I have been eating like this ever since.

42.4kg.

I finally did it! I lost all the weight. But guess what, I'm not there yet, I still look fat.


p/s : snapchat me @ elainechen94 for more detailed pictures of my food. Oh if you're lucky, you'll get to see what I do daily too :P
Till the next post, xoxo