It's just a few pages of this great big book

Throughout this horrible yet amazing journey of my life, I've learnt that nothing will remain constant. Everything will change. Change is a progress and progress means that there will be a definite change. I need to learn to understand that weight gained or weight lost does not define who I am. Yes it's undeniable that I am really bloody hell obsessed with my physical appearance, probably still am but I'm ready to change that. I'm still learning to accept everything that God has given me. I should be glad that I am born perfectly fine, with perfect features, perfect family, perfect life, perfect everything. I cried every single time I go to church. I felt that I have not done enough for myself. I felt that I have betrayed God, my parents and myself. 

I told my parents about what I did to myself. Mom and dad had a really hard time accepting it. Mom cried. I guess she understands my pain. Dad? He errrr I think he's just pretty disappointed in me. I dropped the bomb on them after dinner while I was having a terrible time digesting my food and in the end I cried because I couldn't take it. The guilt was too much to handle and that was also the reason why I told them. 

The next day. Dad called numerous times. 

Twice in the morning. 

Twice in the afternoon. 

Once in the evening.

Twice at night. 

All asking me what I want to eat. 

"Fat then fat lah, you're my daughter, not other people's daughter. What if you killed yourself in the middle of losing weight? Then why me and mommy working so hard for?", that's the only thing my dad tells me ever since I told him about my problems. 

"I shouldn't have told you guys" 

I answered them. 

He buys me every single meal now. Watched me eat half of it then he'll eat another half.

I look into the mirror once in a while and still thinks that I'm fat but I'm ready to make myself better. I'm not gonna harm myself anymore, not only for myself but for my parents too. I want them to know that I'll be okay. 

Fortunately, today is the second day without Mia. Unfortunately, I ate a lot. 

Trust me, I'll be okay. And I will never make promises I can't keep. 

I'm positive that I'll be eating like a bull when you see me next time-I'm not sure how much a bull can eat but I'll have an appetite of three body builders add up together. Yesssss! #goal 

Oh oh oh. This month is going to be a helluva awesome month! Gonna keep myself busy...

Today is the 7th. Can't wait for later. 

Tomorrow is the 8th, there's something going on at night. 

9th, hi again KL! 

13th, results day. 

15th then 17th then 18th! 

THEN MY PRECIOUS 19th! 

I will be happy again my friends :) 

Till the next post, xoxo

Elaine.