suffocating

Perfection. Why did perfection exist in the first place? Who created perfection? Who was the one who sets the basis of perfection? What is perfection? Why is being perfect so important to certain people?

It was helluva roller coaster ride these few days. My appetite has been great so far. But when I eat in front of people, they asked me, "Elaine why are you eating so much?" Or "Whaoooo Elaine is eating at this point of time". & there goes my bloody self esteem. Dude let me eat man....

I'm backed to being super obsessed with my self image again, after a week of eating normally. Thanks a lot my friends for pointing out how much I've been eating lately. I was doing so great but whatever man! I'm gonna kill myself from this. And you people who has nothing better to say better feel guilty for speaking! When I don't eat, you asked me why. When I finally do eat, you asked me why again. Are you kidding me man. What do you want me to do. Just tell me please. 

And this is the reason WHY I DON'T EAT IN PUBLIC. I'll not, anymore. If I were to eat, I'll have to do it privately, like in the toilet or smtg. Is that what you people want me to do?

I'm so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of being alive. Tired of facing the world. Tired of breathing. Can I just sleep inside the coffin and die peacefully? Can God just show me his hand and a staircase to his kingdom? Can I just leave everything behind and wait for my family over there? 

If I had a wish, I want to end my life. I've never been this stressed up. I can do no benefits being alive. I think if I were to leave, no one will even notice. The fact that I am basically useless as a humankind makes it so much easier! 

What's the point of being alive when you're not happy. It's so hard to fake a smile. It's so bloody tiring to face the world. It's so difficult to wake up every morning knowing that I have another 16 more hours to go.