The bug came out

Having body image issue isn't a fun thing, at all. I am now back to square one after all the food that I consumed during the holidays. I have officially gained weight & I cannot believe how fat I have become. Even though Leon has been so great at complimenting me, and I would often turn down his compliments, almost every time, because I still think that I'm not skinny enough. If only I can starve myself then I wouldn't be this fat. But life is definitely not gonna let you do that because your body is gonna tell you that you're fucking hungry and ended up eating everything that you said you will never touch..... Welcome to my miserable life.

This "bug" has been out of my life for quite some time and see what have I become - fat. This "bug" makes me so insane but at the same time, keeps me sane because without it, I'm not gonna lose weight and with it, I'm gonna be a fucked up person....

Why do I care about my body image so damn much? Why do anyone care about their body image so damn much? Can I just eat whatever I want without throwing up after? I can, of course... but my instinct tells me that I shouldn't....

I really don't like to go anywhere now. I don't like going out anymore. Matter of fact, I actually hate going places where I'll meet anyone I know. Guess what... That sounded like someone who shuts people out of their life.

If I can choose not to go to class, I would.

There's a voice in my head constantly saying "they sure think that you're fat and fucking judge you from head to toe"...

What freaking triggered that "bug" to come out?

Chinese New Year was few weeks ago. As a Chinese, I have to go through that certain meal on a certain day with a certain group of people which of course, I don't fancy going. But the woman who gave birth to me insisted for me to go and so I went. As what I've expected, people started commenting on how much weight I have gained. For god's sake, shut the hell up man. You expect me to be as skinny as you guys? Bones only? No meat at all?

They actually for reals compared my legs to theirs. O.M.G.

I still remember vividly the exact sentence one of them said "your legs slightly too big, if they are slightly smaller then....."

Okay thanks for pointing out what my parents said was perfect, I almost believe my parents. LOL.

I nearly fainted last night at the gym because I only had a bowl of blended fruits (one banana, 10 blueberry, 10 raspberry) for my main meal and 5 cherry tomatoes as dinner. NEVER GO TO THE GYM WITH AN EMPTY STOMACH. But I had to...

WHATEVESSSSS.

Fyi, I'm done ranting because I'm fucking hungry now & oh wells today marks the second day I'm back to eating pure fruits and veggies and daily calories counting. and oh, constantly weighing myself too.

thanks.

oh please, I'm sure this will end. yeap.

btw, fucking tired.

Bye.