flashbacks

Please press on this link and listen to it while you read this Alaska Reid-Amazing Grace

I have been trying to write for quite awhile, a few months now but I have nothing good to talk about. My life is not interesting at all, my day is obviously not as glamorous, and lol my body? sucks. So every time I tried to start a new post and typed a line or a sentence of "Hi. Guess what? I have not lost any weight." and every single time I backed off from typing more because I couldn't continue anymore. I just don't want to brag about what happened in my life and yes I'm still alive, healthy-physically. There were times when I think that dying is the only solution but there were also times when I think that happiness is. I'm still figuring out what I need to do in order to really get the closure of whatever that is in my head.

I have to admit that everyone is selfish in their own way. There will never be one person who isn't. As long as its for the benefit of themselves. I am a very selfish person. I admit that. I would do whatever to make myself comfortable. Even if I have to lie. Even if I have to keep a dirty little secret. Even if I have to hurt the people around me. I will never admit to being fully recovered from vomiting. I will always try to vomit. Always. I know it's not okay for me to do so. I know it's not. I'm fully aware of what's going to happen right after I eat. I know I will hunt every toilet down. But sometimes I'm not like that though. I can swallow the food at ease and not worry about those panic attacks.

Weighing scale has been the most helpful tool. I have to step on it every single day. I'm happy whenever I see 45kg or lower. The lower the better, duh? And if it's more than whatever I think it is, my gosh, starvation has never been such a best friend to me. But then again, I feel so good whenever I don't eat. I'll get that sense of control over my body. Like - omg i can control my weight. I don't think anyone would get me. Doesn't matter.

Nothing has happened to me since I started. I understand that nothing has happened doesn't mean nothing will ever happen. I get it. But then again, who's to say when I'll die. I feel so selfish for saying that. Fucking selfish. I know that there are a lot of people who care about me. Nobody wants to see a sick person you care about, dying to be thin, starving to death. I dropped a tear writing this. I feel so emotional whenever I try to explain my situation.

My mom called a couple of days ago. She doesn't do that very often. Asian parents never express their love in a way that western parents do. My mom and dad don't really hug me, say i love you, or even kiss my cheeks. They don't call me very often telling me they miss me. But deep down inside, I know they love me so damn much. I'm trying so hard to hold my tears. They are always there for me through every single step of my life. My mom called me, she told me about her day and she asked me about mine. I'm their first and only daughter. I know how important I am to them. I know I cannot make them cry but I did, by telling them about me.

That didn't really end well though. I made them worry.

Life isn't about being skinny. Life isn't about whats in the mirror. Life isn't about you.

Life is about who stayed next to you until the end. Life is about adventure. Life is about being happy. Mom and dad are getting old. They have lived half a century of their life. I don't want them to live another half of their century worrying about me. I don't want them to feel sorry for not taking care of me enough. I will heal. I will be healthy, for them. I will take care of them when I grow up. I will do whatever it takes to make them happy like how they make me happy all these years.

There was once when I taught my brother about mom and dad because he was trying to be a "smart" teenager. I told my brother that they could have just left us with food and shelter and all that we need. But no, they gave us much more than we need. They always fulfil whatever we want. Up until today. Even when we're all almost grown up. Toys, higher education, extra pocket money, more pocket money, phones, extra clothes, more extra clothes, and etc etc etc. They could have just said "NO" to every single "wants" but they didn't. I have never heard my dad said "no" to whatever stuff I proposed, no matter how much it costs.

I'm so blessed to be born into their arms. I'm so blessed to be me.

I just want them to know how thankful I am for them. What I can do for them now is study so damn hard for my exams and give them all the "As" they want to see. It was my first semester last year and I had two papers. I got 2As and I called my dad and told him about it. My brother told me that he went home and asked my brother whether he knows about my result and obviously my brother said no. and then my dad went on and saying "your jie got 2As" and he gave a smirk to my brother. My dad has never ever done that before... not that I know of.

That gave me so much of determination to continue whatever I'm doing because I know, that will make my daddy proud.

Okay I'm gonna end this with, I hope each and everyone of you is eating well and stay healthy. Repay your parents for whatever they have done because without them, you wouldn't be reading this.

Bye :)