if diet works, we would all be thin already

As most of the people around me know, I have had an eating disorder called Bulimia. It was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. 4 years ago, I controlled every single thing I eat, constantly starved myself, workout excessively, and also shielded myself from the world. I was so alone and lonely I only had myself. 3 years ago, I told my family about it. Not only it worried them, but they also realised by commenting that I have gained weight was the major factor to my eating disorder, haunted them.

4 years have passed and I am now officially done with it. I realised that mindful eating is the way to lead my life into a healthier person. Healthier in terms of my body, my mind and my soul. I have never stepped foot onto the weighing balance for more than 6 months now. I care so much lesser of my weight now. I am a much happier person in general. I eat whenever I'm hungry, stop whenever I'm full. I eat whatever I want and never control my food intake. I used to binge on food and puke right after. Not only it made me so sick but it also made me so hungry 2-3 hours after the binge. What's the point...

To be honest, if diet really works, everyone would be so skinny right now. The fact that it doesn't work, we should all not worry about diets anymore. Health and happiness are way better than how you look. No one really cares about the way you look. They commented about it because they obviously have nothing better to say to you hence that's the only thing that they can say. Stop worrying about what others have to say but live your life the way you want to.

Tbh, rice is my ultimate favourite food. I used to control my carbs intake because I thought carbs will make me fat. I was totally wrong. Carbs do not make you fat, excessive carbs do. Fats do not make you fat, excessive fats do. Eat till you're satisfied, then stop. Weight goes up and down in life. It's not stationary. Enjoy your chocolate once in a while, it will keep your cravings down. You can always eat lesser after a piece of chocolate, or don't. Your brain will notify you when you're full anyway so eat while you can, enjoy while you're still living.

Now, I get to eat my maggie mee whenever I feel like it. I get to enjoy my fast food whenever I feel like it. Wuuu, and I finally get to enjoy my ice cream! Ah, my life is so worth living now. I'm happier and the happiness I have, I get to spread it to people around me. That's what life is worth living for.


xoxo, E

Love is a two-way street, not a one-way boulevard

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

I have to raise both my hands and feet to express my agreement. Everyone close/dear to me knows how agitated I get whenever I'm angry, especially to my partner. The old me would just blame the other person for not being understanding of my frustrations - in another word, selfish. I would tend to use a lot of nasty words that I can never ever take back just so I could win the fight. I would turn it into a war where the winner can only be me. And I thought it's an impossible characteristic or habit to change.

Being w my now boyfriend, let's call him, Logan made me realise that I don't have to be agitated nor angry at legit anything he does, I just need to look at it at a totally different perspective. For instance, if he doesn't reply to your text for more than half the day, on a weekend (not a working day- I need to specify). As a girlfriend, you are mad because you know he's outside choosing to do something else rather than talk to you, ie, hanging out with his friends, having all the fun and he has absolutely no opportunity (0%) to send you a text throughout the whole day. On top of that, knowing he would have zero time on the weekdays to talk. Of course, you will be mad right? It's usual for any girl to be mad. 

Well, you're wrong. You shouldn't be mad. You have absolutely zero right to be mad even though you are his "girlfriend". Now let me explain why. Having been together with Logan for 7 months, I am conditioned not to be mad. Not sure if it's it's just him or love is supposed to be like this, but I know I should not be mad. It felt so wrong to be mad. I feel like anger is not an emotion that I can express towards him. Because one, based on the example above, he needs his freedom. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't text you the whole day ok? Well, the heck its just a day or two. He will definitely talk to you,(??), maybe at the end of the day if you're lucky enough that he didn't fall asleep, or maybe the next day after he wakes up and feel like talking about it. Right? So why be mad at something so itsy bitsy tiny? So not worth your negative energy. Perfect relationship #1 - one less thing to fight about

Well, based on the example above, I am also conditioned to be "okay" if he forgets to talk about what he did the whole day. First of all, you never asked so automatically, it's nothing worth talking about if you don't ask about it - plus it's time-consuming so, you get the idea. But if you did ask and he said it's fine. Well, there you go, you have a response! His day out was fine. Somehow I find it very true though, from his point of view. It's just his normal fun day out, there's absolutely nothing wrong about not telling you about it (??) I guess? HA well, you can do the same too. There you go, one less thing to worry about - you don't need to report your daily activities. Perfect relationship point #2 - no such thing as daily reporting

You will then say, well, how do you communicate if texting/calling is not an obligation? Well, good point but you're wrong! I didn't say you are not going to communicate. It's just a day or two weekends out of the month. Well, you gotta scratch weekdays out cause working man needs to work so you can't blame your boyfriend for not talking to you on working days. Everyone says communication is a key to a healthy relationship. But you know, if you and your partner have some kind of a telepathic way to assume each other's thoughts, why need to communicate? You are already on a different level than the rest of the couples on earth. His world doesn't revolve around you and yours does not revolve around him. Yes, he might be your boyfriend, but he's not your prisoner and you're not his. He has the right to choose whether he wants to tell you about the things he does and you, the same. Perfect relationship #3 - absolutely no obligation 

At the end of the day, "do unto others, as you would have them do unto you." If he's obviously expecting this huge freedom from you, well no worries fret not, you will for sure have the same privilege. Communicating doesn't always mean talking every single day, as what I have been told. Personally, I don't believe in not talking for a day but since being with Logan means so then so be it. If loving someone means tolerating everything he does and changing yourself to fit his shoes, then be it cause you love him. There's a kind of love called sacrifice. If you truly love the person, you would sacrifice everything including your time and put in the extra effort to make your other half happy. Perfect relationship #4 - freedom of doing whatever you want as long as it harms no one

There's only one thing on earth that can measure love, which is time. Everyone is given 24 hours a day. How you utilize the time given to you is totally up to you. But if you are using most of your time and spent them on something else rather than on the person you're in a relationship with, I really don't know what that is and I hope that isn't called love. Tbh, I used to be the girl that gets so much in the past, hence, I was totally expecting much more from the next. Well, "expectation kills, reality hurts". I thought I could expect much more from my other half because I would be willing to do the same. From what I have learnt so far, I took it the wrong way. It should be "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed"- especially from someone you love. Perfect relationship #5 - you get more time to yourself. no expectations, no disappointments. 

Love is a learning curve. I have learnt so much from each relationship. And I will continue to learn more. This is getting way too long, I'll stop here for now. You roughly get what I'm trying to say. Be happy cause no one else can do that for you. Never ever allow anyone to upset you, especially someone who loves you - someone who loves you will never do anything to upset you. And expects nothing in return even if that person is someone whom you rely on. See things from every angle. And never to speak when you're angry. 

Have a great day xx
E

bulimic attack

If only I knew back then how bad eating disorder is, I wouldn't have taken the step to purge. Now I just can't stop purging whenever I feel like I overate.

An hour ago, I just had a psycho full blown panic attack. I overate. I saw my tummy getting larger. I had two slices of toast, a bowl of rice with soup, two sushi rolls, a muffin and half a packet of chips. Initially, it was only two slices of toast. That two slices of toast triggered my bulimic attack and hence, I had to binge on food. The plan was to purge them all out afterwards. Guess what? This happened to me once. I couldn't physically purge food anymore. My gag reflex got rusty.

Full blown panic attack just hit me really hard. I tried purging for an hour! Bloody one hour. and I still couldn't get it all out. I don't know what else I can do anymore, and so I stopped trying. I feel so fat right now. My cheek hurts so bad. my teeth hurts. my eyes are swollen.

I don't know when I'll ever get to eat peacefully again... I'm just gonna head to the gym later and burn this all off.

Two slices of toast ; 150kcal
a bowl of rice and soup ; 200kcal
two sushi rolls ; 500kcal
a muffin ; 350kcal
half a packet of chip ; 500 kcal

Approximately binged on 1700kcal, well now to think of it, its almost impossible to burn 1700kcal. I'm just gonna hit my head real hard and fast for 3 full days..... starting now.

whatthefuck Elaine, Good fucking job, well fucking done =.=

So, will you try?

one day 

one fine day 

you will meet someone you really like

giving you butterflies 

his presence alone will light you up

his texts ;

his hugs ;

his kisses ; 

his touch ;

his smell ;

just a little bit of everything 

means so much to you

 you wonder if you could break down those walls

that have been there for so long

certainly years 

deep down

you cannot wait to tear them down 

concrete walls you have built over the years

ice cold heart that never melts

lungs that breathe metals

shells you never dare to crush 

steps you would never take 

query after query 

doubts after doubts 

men after men 

is he worth it?

has it ever be worth it?

will it ever be worth it?

who is worthy of it?

is it time to take a leap of faith?

that's the question

xx

Suffers in silence

When all you did was try to be normal, smile as usual, act like yourself, every single day
But are you really okay? you asked yourself
You can't find the answer to that question
You tried so hard to be yourself, to be normal
But all you wanted, was to be in control
By be in control, you mean, to be in control of every single thing in life
When everything is changing every single minute, you wish that you could control at least one thing in life
For instance
The food you put into your mouth
The pain you're going through
The people you meet
Not everyday you're in control, not everyday is a good day
Again and again, you assured me that everyday is definitely not heaven on earth
You don't understand how human mind works
You can never understand how human mind works
No matter what, I hope you survive from this
I wish upon anything for you to heal
For you to get out from this nightmare
You cried, you suffered, you hated yourself for it
Nothing anyone said is going to change your mind
And now, you told me you want to be in control again
For whatever's about to happen
Your addiction with being in control is way stronger than health
You don't care how much it takes for you to get to where you want to be
Apparently, it's a promise you made to yourself
I respect your decision 

The First Dance

We were in each others' arms
I turned to look at you and said "Let's dance"

You laughed

I got up, scrolled through my Spotify and clicked on this song 

It started with

"I found a love, for me"

I extended my hand towards you

you were lying down

You jumped up, hugged me

; 

"Darling just dive right in, follow my lead"

We started swaying slowly and gently

;

I then, realised this is a song cover from Tyler Ward & Lisa Cimorelli

I sang the girl's version to your ear

"I found a boy, gentle and sweet"

; 

"Dancing in the dark

with you between my arms

barefoot on the grass

listening to our favourite song"

;

You basically sang the whole song to my ear

You hugged me so tight 

I started tip-toeing on your toes

;

"Darling just hold my hand"

"Be my girl, I'll be your man"

"I see my future in your eyes"

;

our eyes met each other 

&

my lips met yours

;

It was perfect

 I didn't want this song to end

3 minutes and 20 seconds

Our first dance together

;

This just became our song

The song that will make us smile 

when it comes up on the radio

; 

We sang the last few sentences together

"I don't deserve this

darling, you look perfect

I don't deserve this

you look perfect tonight"

as if we were talking to each other

;

xx

He's a good guy
At least to you, he is.

"He's a good guy"
What you repeat to yourself everyday

So, he's a good guy!
He took care of you, you thought he was taking care of you, wait, was he?

Good guy or good looking guy?
because you like the way he smiles, the way he acts, the way he caresses your skin, the way he looks at you when he kisses you, the way you feel when he's around.

Is he really a good guy?
What does he want from you? a relationship or a sexationship or only a fling?

You started to doubt, you anticipated all the conversation, you thought it was the start of something special

And all you got was "hey" when you walked passed him and then "see you soon" few seconds after

Sucks right? I know